So, You Wanna Be a Death Eater, Eh?
by Morag X. Henegev
Summary: Ever wondered how to become one? This story serves as a humurous hopefully guideline to it. Please read and review.


Message from the President of the Dark Lord Corporation (est. 1970 anno domini), Lord Voldemort:

Welcome potential associates of the most dark and evil corporation in the universe. Congratulation for wanting to join our wicked team of highly skilled Death Eaters, Giants, Dementors, and other equally wicked beasts, beings, and other miscelleneous entities. We have had a very long and succesful heritage here at the Death Eaters Incoporated, a wizard partition of the Dark Lord Corporation. We have over 13 units, and are proud to say that we are business partners with other evil corporations, most of them situated in the colony, like Microsoft Corporation, Nortel, and GAP. For over 25 year, Dark Lord Corporation has been a name British fear. We have a unique position in this country and a unique relationship with our 'customers'.

Thank you for choosing us, instead of that pathetic excuse for existance, Dumbledore's Order of Some Stupid Birdie. I wish you best in success and supporting the continued growth of our company.

President & C.O.O., Dark Lord Corporation  
Lord Voldemort 

If you are a beast, being, or any other miscalleneous entity other than a Pureblood wizard please refer to a booklet appropriate for your specie. If you are a 'wizard' but not Pureblood, please immidiately refer to me, Lord Voldemort, for a one-on-one _meating_ session. (MWAHAHAHAHAHA)

Now that you have read this, you ought to ask yourself if you are right for our company. Belatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy have composed this quiz to help you find that out.

**1. What's your blood like?  
**a) I am a Muggle/Mudblood (please immediately refer to Lord Voldemort, for a one-on-one _meating_ session MWAHAHAHAHAHA)  
b) I am a Half Bloodc) I am a Pureblood (please provide us with your birth certificate, dark literature with references to your ancestors, credit card number, and a blood sample so we can verify your claim)

**2. Are you evil?  
**a) No, I am good.  
b) My bum hurts from sitting on the fence for so long.  
c) I am Lucifer, or should I say Lucius, incarnate.

**3. What do you think about Muggles?**  
a) I heart Muggles. :-) I have a shirt to prove it.  
b) Some are all right, I guess.  
c) KILL! HACK, HACK, HACK!

**  
4. If you had to date one of these Muggle celebrities, which one would you choose?  
**a) Mother Theresa/Dalai Lama  
b) Cameron Diaz/Jude Law  
c) Martha Stewart/Adolf Hitler

5**. What does that bumper sticker on your family broom say?**  
a) Dumbledore Loves You... Just Not in THAT Way  
b) Druids Rock  
c) Harry Potter and the Time He Got Killed

**6. And finally, does Lucius Malfoy bleech his hair?**  
a) Well duh, everyone know that.  
b) No, and neither does Harry Potter wear glasses.  
c) No, of course not. How dare thee?

RESULTS:

mostly A's:

You are a worthless excuse for a human being. Please report to Lord Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange, or Lucius Malfoy for torture. If any of them are busy when you arrive, please take a number and wait in our lobby where you can read the new issue of _Witch Weekly_ or indulge in some free tea and biscuits (courtesy of the house!).

mostly B's:

While you do show a considerable amount of talent and quality, you are not exactly what we're looking for. Try being more evil and then come again. In the meantime, report to any registred employee of Death Eater Inc for a Crucio.

mostly C's:

Lord Voldemort wants you!

****

About us:

Mission Statement:

To make a difference in Britain, and world eventually, by decimating the population of Muggles and Mudbloods, while torturing the rest for fun and using some for slavery.

Our vision is:

World where a person is judged not on their personality and deeds, but on their blood.

Our service value proposition is:

We will provide slow, painful, and deadly torture that will leave you screamin'!

****

We Are:

**President & C.O.O.** - Lord Voldemort, formerly known as Sir Killalot

**His Personal Servant and Suck-Up** - Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew

**C.E.O.s** - Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange

**Imperius Curse Specialists** - Mulciber and Rabanstan Lestrange

**Crucius Curse Specialist** - Rodolphus Lestrange

**Itch-In-an-Uncomfortable-Place Curse Specialist** - Bob Avery

**Inhuman Resources/Newbie _Trainer_**_ (here popularly known as your 'buddy'_) - Theodore's Dad Nott

**Blood Sweepers and Washroom Cleaners** (_here popularly known as the Brains of the Operation - remember, every team player is valuable, no matter how small their part is_) - Crab Crabbe and Gargoyle Goyle

**Resident Potion Maker/Cafeteria Co-Ordinator** - Severus _'Jamie Oliver'_ Snape

**Day-care Co-ordinator** – Fenrir Greyback

**Resident Nurse/Vet** - Walden MacNair

**Contact:**

**Phone** - 666-666-1313

**Fax** - 666-666-6666

**E-Mail** - visit us at the WWW, where we are open 24/7 - http/ and Pay:

24 hours a day x seven days a week 168 hours 

**Part-Time** - 0-168 hours a week, depending on how murderous Lord Voldemort feels

**Full-Time** - 40-168 hours a week, depending on how murderous Lord Voldemort feels.

Part-Time is paid seven Galleons an hour. Full-Time is paid twelve Galleons an hour. Overtime is counted if you work more than 168 hours a week (meaning you have to go back in time to do extra work for Lord Voldemort).

Associate Discount:

We have discount of 20 at every store in the universe. If staff at the store disagrees with our policy hex them. Please abuse your privilege.

Your Guide to Safety:

We don't care.

Union:

Yes, we all part of a large evil union, who takes away 95 of your paycheck and does pretty much nothing to help you, except side with your superiors.

Dress code:

Black Pants. Black dress shoes with steel toes (you've gotta keep those piggies safe in case any heavy object falls on your feet). Black socks. Black underwear (we will check!) Black undershirt. Black Shirt. Black Cloak. Black gloves. Black heart.

We will provide you with a mask.

Punishment Procedure:

Once either of our C.E.O.s offers you to sign your life and freedom over to us (meaning once we offer you job with us), you will be given a booklet of crimes punishable by the Code of Dark Lord Corporation. The crimes are divided in three categories, based on the severity of the punishment: _Category A - Must Accompany Narcissa Malfoy When She Is Shopping_, _Category B - Crucio Worthy_, and_ Category C - Death by being worn out while shopping with Narcissa Malfoy _(or _Avada Kedavra_, whenever Narcissa maxes out the credit cards).

Just to give you a gist of things, some punishable offences are: speaking of Dumbledore in good terms, mentioning hair in any context in front of Lord Voldemort (he is very sensitive aobut his alopecia), or killing your Death Eating partner by 'accident' because they screwed your wife.

In order to be considered for the job, please provide us your resume. Please have it typed. Here is an example of a good resume:

** Lucius Abraxas Malfoy  
666 Winding Road  
Malfoytown  
Wiltshire, UK **

**OBJECTIVE:**

To kill and torture as many Muggles as time provides as I am a very busy many who hardly finds time to has to attend to his needs, needs of his wife, and needs of his son.

**EDUCATION: **

_1965 to 1971_ - Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft andWizardry  
House: Slytherin, of course  
OWLS: DADA, Potions, Transfiguration, Astronomy, Beautification Magic

WORK EXPERIENCE:

_1971 to Present_ - Dark Lord Corporation  
_1972 to 1992_ - Governor of Hogwarts (damn Potter!)

INTERESTS AND HOBBIES:

I am just a really extraordinary person who likes to indulge in music (mostly Classical, such as Richard Wagner, and Dancehall), reading (Dostoevsky, Lord Byron, and Anne Rice), occasional hardcore BDSM, reality TV, house-elf torture, travelling, Muggle torture, and collecting antique iron maidens. I am a proud father of Draco Malfoy, and luckiest husband in the world, because I am married to beautiful Narcissa (except for the times she thinks that she ought take me shopping with her... or at those times she assumes that I want to listen to her and Mrs Macnair discuss players' butts at the Quidditch games).

Now, this is an example of a bad resume. If your resume resembles this one, please report to Narcissa Malfoy for a Sunday morning shopping session. Yes, she forces all the shop keepers to open up shops just for her.

Now this resume is in no way tinkered or fiddled with by, oh, I don't know, Lucius Malfoy?

** Arthur 'Idiot' Weasley  
One room  
Uhmm... I don't know what country I live in..  
Worst part of Britain  
**

**OBJECTION:** wotz abjection duh?

**EDUCATION:** i got sum warts when i saw a hog, oink oink, i lurve makin dat sound i waz in stinkfindor, i didnt get any ouls eye am 2 poor 2 afford ouls 

**EXPERIENCE:** helpin oogly & stoopid moogles, oink oink, eye luv mooglez beecuz eye am so dum

**INTERESTS AND HOBBIES:** yuk yuk, i am so dum... i ran out of things 2 talkk 2 my fat (n not fat wid ph) wyfe... eye hav 20 kids... yuk yuk... eye luv dumbledore we r goin 2 get married... my wand is smaller then da 1 dat His Royal Highness Lucius Malfoy haz...

Please answer the following questions and present them with your resume. Just to make things easier for you, we provided answer to them on this copy so you know what your answer should look like. If you still have any questions, owl us.

**NOTE:** if your IQ is similar to the one of Crabbe and Goyle, or lower (_which we doubt, because in that case you would be filling out an application for Stinkidore's Order of the Large Ugly Byrd_) DO NOT copy the answers that are provided on this copy, but answer filling out YOUR OWN information.

**Name:** Draco Ulysses Malfoy-Black

**DOB:** June 5th, 1980

**Why do you want to work for the Dark Lord Corporation?** Because Father wants me to, so I could escape going shopping with Mother, and so I could kill Harry Potter.

**Do you want Harry Potter dead (**if your answer to this question is _no_, please stab yourself in your eye with your quillOf course.

**Why do you want Harry Potter dead?** Because he beats me in Quidditch all the time and then Father tells me I am a disappointment.

**How would you kill Harry Potter?** I'd put on my blood-repelling robes and stab him from the back. Preferably while he's sleeping...

**Why should we choose you?** Because my Fahter promised a Nimbus 3000 to each of you.

**Can you perform the three Unforgivable curses?** Of course!

**Are you available to work overnight** (you get paid 25 more) Probably.

**Well too bad if you are not available to work overnight, because we'll force you. That said, would you prefer full time or part time?** I'd like to start part time first and then see how it's going.

**Can we have your life?** Sure. I mean, I dated Pansy Parkinson. What can happen to me that is worse than that?

Thank you so much for taking your time to consider Dark Lord Corporation as one of your options in this sea of work opportunities. Please owl in your resume with answered questions. Give four to six weeks for your application to be processed. If you are rejected, we will call you in for torture and then kill your wife and kids (and pets, if you have any, unless they're snakes). If you are, however, accepted, then we will call you in for an interview and orientation with your 'Buddy'. Thank you.


End file.
